Jack be Nimble, Jack be Quick

I apologize in advance for my story about my mundane life, but I think it’s kind of funny, and it’s my blog so I can write what I want.

I was on my way home from work today, and my brother called me to ask for help mounting an XP network drive to a Vista machine (which I couldn’t get to work in the end). I had to stop at home first to let the dog out because she was penned up all day. When I got home, there were three neighborhood kids playing on the sidewalk in front of the building accross from mine. I thought to myself, “Oh great, I’m never going to get this dog to do her business.” She’s a weiner dog and has the attention span of a fly, so knew that she would just bark at the kids the entire time I had her out there.

To no surprise, she did exactly that. I finally got her to do her business, and took her inside. When we got inside I told her to go in her bed, because I had to leave again to go help me brother. She immediately darted under my bed, and I had to coax her out for 10 minutes with bribes of treats until she finally gave in and did what she was told.

When I got back outside, one of the kids ran up to me and said “Hey mister, can you help me get my shoe? It’s on the other side of that fence, and I can’t get it.”

I asked him, “How did your shoe get on the other side of the fence?”

He responded “I threw it there, and now I can’t climb over to get it because I’m shoeless.”

I bit, and I walked over to the fence to assess the situation. He asked, “Do you think you can hop over the fence and get it?”

Now, I’m 6 foot 240 lbs. There was now way that I’m getting my fat-ass over this 5 foot fence. I told him “I’m not going to be able to get over this fence.” He asked why, and I responded “I’m way too out of shape for that, why don’t you get one of your parents to drive you around to the house (the area is all fenced in) to ring the doorbell and ask for the shoe back.”

He gave me some sob story about how his father was at work, and his mother was sick. He asked if I could drive him around. I had to decline because I didn’t want to look like some sort of creep. “Hey kid, get in my car and we can go get your shoe.” Then he’ll accuse me of touching him or some shit, and I’m in a world of trouble.

It’s a sick world when you’re afraid to help a child, but I had to tell him “Sorry kid, looks like you’re walking home shoeless!”