Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly….

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.. You better roll him over..’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Bubba.’

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up…
Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Bubba.’

The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer said, ‘Well, Bubba had two assholes.’
‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:

‘There’s Bubba with them two assholes

Me: This scene perfectly shows every man’s priority. Take my heart, but not my dick!

Wife: That’s sad, but so true. If anyone wants my vagina, they can take it…

Me: I want your vagina, but you never let me take it!

Friend: Do you want to take a cat?

Me: I’m allergic to cats, so I can’t.

Friend: You don’t know what you’re missing.

Me: I do know what I’m missing. If I took the cat, I’d be miserable all the time.

Friend: Dude, we’re both married. We’re miserable all the time anyway.

Ha! His wife was sitting right next to him at the time too.

I’m feeling extra nostalgic (motivated, drunk) today, so I’m going to share another little life story with everyone. So that the title makes sense I have to to explain that when I was younger I would never be able to make it to work on time when working morning shifts. I’m really not a morning person, and my boss at the time was threatening to fire me if I showed up late again. Here’s the story of how I prevented this.

I have a friend who was being investigated for a that he REALLY didn’t commit, by the federally! I told you that my life was strange.

We were working on a project together and I had spent the night at his house. We worked all night, and decided that we would get up the next morning to get right back to work. We woke up in the morning and went to get some coffee and breakfast.

While we were out, my friend got a phone call from his ex-girlfriend. He seemed angry and anxious, so I asked him what was up. He told me about how the FBI was investigating him for this crime that happened years ago, and that they had left him alone for a couple years so he thought that it had gone away. He explained the circumstances to me, which aren’t really relevant to this story so I’ll spare you the details. I was fine with it, so we continued with our plans.

Throughout the day he received more and more phone calls from friends saying that the feds showed up at their houses to ask them questions about him. I started thinking, “what if they show up at my house?” He assured me that there wouldn’t be any possibility of them linking him to me, since everyone that called him were old friends (I knew him a long time, but we weren’t friends until a year prior to this event)… He was wrong.

Sure enough, a couple of hours later, my mom called me:

Mom: “Guess who just left the house.”
Me: “Who?”
Mom: “The FBI!”
Me: “Bastards!”
Mom: “What?”
Me: “I saw that coming. I swear I didn’t do anything.”
Mom: “I know, they were looking for your buddy!”
Me: “Don’t worry, he didn’t do anything. I’ll talk to you about this later. Bye!”

The funny thing about the FBI showing up at your house is that it’s exactly like the movies. They’re wearing their black suits and their black ties. They flash their badges, and try to be really intimidating.

I was at my friend’s place late that night, and came home after my parents went to bed. I woke up the next morning and had to go to work. Of course my parents wanted to talk to me about the occurrence before I left.

I got to work and my boss asked me, “Why are you late?” I answered “the FBI showed up to my house yesterday looking for me, and my parents held me up this morning to ask me about it.” She responded “I’ve never heard that one before, I guess I’ll let you slide.”

Best… Excuse… Ever!

The best part about the story is that my boss was fired a couple weeks later, when she was caught having sex with a random guy in the back office. The regional manager had a crush on her, and was pissed when he found out (again, strange life). She also had a husband and 2 kids. Explain that one, you bitch!

My friend Joe moved into his own apartment with two roommates from high school, Alex and Ken, a little bit after he graduated. The three of them found a nice apartment in the city, and this was the first time that any of them have moved away from home.

They all got their stuff moved moved into the apartment, and all three of them spent the night the first night there. Joe got the biggest room in the apartment because he was the primary name on the lease, and he needed the space because of the major that he was going into, He needed a lot of space for equipment (fair deal I think).

On the first night, Joe was thinking to himself that it would be funny to pull a prank on his roommates the next morning. Since all three had similar schedules, morning would be the perfect time to strick. He decided that since he was no longer living with family, that he wanted to walk out of his bedroom in the morning wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a cowboy hat.

The next morning he wakes up, excited to be in his own place. However, he was more excited to be able to pull this prank on his roommates…

He slept in his underwear, so he was already half-way there. He throws on his cowboy hat and casually walks out of his room. He looks to his right, and there sitting at the kitchen table is Alex… eating cereal and wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a cowboy hat.

I have weird friends…

From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.

From all these pic’s, one seems to form the impression that the Catholics are approaching this with a sense of humor, while the Presbyterians are actually taking it quite seriously!

All dogs go to Heaven

Only humans go to Heaven, read the Bible

God loves all of his creations, dogs included

Dogs don't have souls, this is not open for debate

Catholic dogs go to Heaven, Presbytarian dogs can talk to their Pastor

Converting to Catholocism does not magically grant your dog a soul

Free dog souls with conversion

Dogs are animals, there aren't any rocks in Heaven either

All rocks go to Heaven

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING*

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

*FLY BY*

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE*

A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK*

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH*

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME*

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER*

A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)*

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS*

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR*

Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH*

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*

A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON*

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing  incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH..

*HAVANA-OMELET*

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY*

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever…Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at  someone else’s house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long  your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you’re  trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING… POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

I was on my way home from work today, and my brother called me to ask for help mounting an XP network drive to a Vista machine (which I couldn’t get to work in the end). I had to stop at home first to let the dog out because she was penned up all day. When I got home, there were three neighborhood kids playing on the sidewalk in front of the building accross from mine. I thought to myself, “Oh great, I’m never going to get this dog to do her business.” She’s a weiner dog and has the attention span of a fly, so knew that she would just bark at the kids the entire time I had her out there.

To no surprise, she did exactly that. I finally got her to do her business, and took her inside. When we got inside I told her to go in her bed, because I had to leave again to go help me brother. She immediately darted under my bed, and I had to coax her out for 10 minutes with bribes of treats until she finally gave in and did what she was told.

When I got back outside, one of the kids ran up to me and said “Hey mister, can you help me get my shoe? It’s on the other side of that fence, and I can’t get it.”

I asked him, “How did your shoe get on the other side of the fence?”

He responded “I threw it there, and now I can’t climb over to get it because I’m shoeless.”

I bit, and I walked over to the fence to assess the situation. He asked, “Do you think you can hop over the fence and get it?”

Now, I’m 6 foot 240 lbs. There was now way that I’m getting my fat-ass over this 5 foot fence. I told him “I’m not going to be able to get over this fence.” He asked why, and I responded “I’m way too out of shape for that, why don’t you get one of your parents to drive you around to the house (the area is all fenced in) to ring the doorbell and ask for the shoe back.”

He gave me some sob story about how his father was at work, and his mother was sick. He asked if I could drive him around. I had to decline because I didn’t want to look like some sort of creep. “Hey kid, get in my car and we can go get your shoe.” Then he’ll accuse me of touching him or some shit, and I’m in a world of trouble.

It’s a sick world when you’re afraid to help a child, but I had to tell him “Sorry kid, looks like you’re walking home shoeless!”